I am afraid of losing another one. I am afraid of falling asleep tonight. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t feel anything right now.

Oh well, caffeine time.

met up with a friend in melbourne just yesterday (the last time we met was when i was in hong kong 1.5 years ago). she’s here for biz with her boss/friend and his co-workers. got to spend a little bit of time with all of them but what i really wanted was just to spend time with MY friend.

but because of her hectic work schedule, i had to wait all the time. not that i wasn’t willing to, but i did feel a little unhappy for some reason. (imagine getting text messages by the hour saying ”sorry i need another hour” for a few times! it gets annoying..)

but i did get to hang out with her just before she left (finally!). that long chat was fun and heartwarming at the same time. i miss my friend already.

though it has only been a year and a half, things have changed so much. I could hardly recognise her - but it’s for the better so, whatever. and she is perhaps one of a rare few people that i could talk to without feeling stressed or tired because i can just talk with no need to explain myself. never had to.

if only i could have 500 more of such people in my life.

but i’m pretty glad that i pulled through. it’s been 3 years but i still miss my jiepo all the time.

with this semester OFFICIALLY over, i’m a free bird :) boy it’s been a bad bad bad week. never once felt that lost and the feeling of knowing that you’ll probably fail but yet you still have to be there to do it, just kills me softly.

I actually don’t like the world cup that much. because friends and i would talk about it all the time. but it’s not as fun anymore because we would talk about football and then talk about the old days and then “here it goes again…”. and so.. I remember that 4 years ago, we did this this this - we said this, you said that, you won money, i crashed out, we yelled “GOAL!!!!!” at the window on with the purpose of waking the neighbours up at 1am. but now, you’re just too far away to be in our conversations, friend.

sigh.

swotvac - never liked it. it’s just a week of hell.

this one night, i asked myself if i could ever sing and play and have fun in public. I realised that i can’t. not anymore. but i do want to step out of this and do the fun things that i used to do in the past. i am trying. i just need to be patient with myself and with people that i don’t love.

i hate swotvac. i hate it when i have so much of things that i don’t like to do, i hate losing my ‘me time’, i hate waking up thinking that it’s only 7am when it’s actually really 12pm already, i hate having flashbacks.

but on top of all that, i love the one who takes all my hate away from me.

i like how we just decide to forget about the promises and try to know one another again.

but no, it’s not really working.

deep inside, i really want to know what you’re thinking. so please tell me.

I used to think that I’m everyone’s smiley girl. But i realised that I can never be that person again (which is pretty sad because I really think I was more cheerful in the past).

But on a happier and more serious note, I think I’ve grown more attached to the One who created me. I’m happy inside though a bit dark -still-. Maybe it’s because I feel emotions these days and even more than before thus I smile at times but not very much. Sorry if i am contradicting my words with my words.

This hives thing really is getting the better of me. It reminds me of how I was young and had something similar (but that wasn’t hives) and had to be sent to Mt E’s A&E department at 3am. Mind you, I was just a kid who couldn’t even reach her own back with her arms. I remember my mother calling her friends up and putting XO on me and when all else failed, she took the car and off we went to Mt E. I was pretty strong then actually, I didn’t cry at all. Just felt really sick. ONLY WHEN the nurse called for me ”AH BOY AH AH BOY! COME TAKE YOUR JAB! DON’T WORRY IT’S NOT GONNA BE PAINFUL ONE HOR.”

I started yelling and crying and doing all sorts of thing with mypjs. Until they had to pin me down (all because I got called ‘a boy’). Not that I minded that but I just think that I’m the kind of person that can do everything with you but when I’m ill, I demand things to go my way.

I miss having people at my disposal. But I love this independence. I love how I fight off temptations better now but I hate it when I still see friends struggling.

Decided to somehow flip to the passage of Job from the Bible and started reading when it was actually time for unichurch. What Job had and what he lost and what I had and what I lost, just can’t be compared. I didn’t read the whole passage but I just thought that the first few chapters were actually pretty encouraging.

Then I got reminded of how I was blaming God for not doing the right thing a few months ago. Now, I can’t praise Him enough because I know I am actually very well-taken cared of. But sometimes, I just can’t help but break down because I never wanted anyone to leave that way. I always thought that if I have to die tomorrow, I rather die in my sleep than to go through pain. So that’s why sometimes when flashbacks happen, and I see that face that was holding on to so much pain, I get reminded about a lot of different ways to feel pain.

To me, physical pain is nothing. It’s the heart-pain-pain that hurts the most. You can literally feel your heart break into two (like you know how those facebook relationships end and Mark Z decides to put a cracked heart into it?).

I miss you my dear friend. I still do. You never will leave our hearts.

I miss you too nana. If only you were still here to hold my small little hand.

“Hello, this is your LIFE conscience speaking. You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”

i hope that things can go back like before - though i know it can’t.

i hope that i don’t get nightmares anymore. just sweet dreams and uninterrupted ones (i got woken up for nothing before i could finish my roasted chicken rice WHICH i paid for already)

i hope that i can do what i want to achieve in school.

i hope that i can take summer and not go crazy.

i hope to win all the time. maybe not all the time. but 99.9%

i hope to not meet looneys again.

i will be 95 pounds again.

i hope to see A play again.

Happy 2010.

i have a lot to say to aug actually. if only i knew this would happen to you. if only i knew that you will leave us so soon, so abruptly. if only…

aug ah. i thank you for the time you called me TO PLAY MAHJONG. so random but i can still remember you saying ”我打給你因為我懂你一定要玩！”. now that i think about it, thank you.

i rem during pe in sec 2, i ran all the way without stopping during our normal ‘damn-no-fun-pe-class’, and i ran past you twice and you said this to me ”PIT KUN！你今 *wheeze* 天很有 *wheezes again* STAMINA HOR?!!”  haha.. thank you la.. cause at that moment, you made me feel like i’m so super fit. haha! and i hated it whenever you boys asked us girls to buy rice for you from stall 3, and/or you guys just squeeeeeezed and cut our queue. but.. if i could turn back time, i’ll gladly take your order for you anytime.

and i’ll never forget the time when you didnt give up your seat for me in the bus when it was full and left me standing at a side. and i rem bitching the nxt day ”stupid augustine yesterday never give up seat for me on the bus!!!!” hahaha! so ungentleman. but of course, you changed for the better over the years.. HEN HAO!

thank you for asking me to join The Revelation. and of course you’re always gonna be Lenny (my backup singer). HAHA! sorry ah, but i still think you cannot hold a tune properly. heh. and what’s up with your ‘satay!’ thing? i still don’t get it up till now but i admit la - very funny thou super irritating. At anytime anywhere, if i hear ‘that thing you do’ again, i’ll sing it from my heart for you. because that is The Revelation’s ‘ONE HIT WONDER’ mah. hahaha! the trophies that we share will be sparkly clean. hardwork mah..

too much la you. too much. but aiya.. i hope you’re happy wherever you are now. actually i hope i can see you in heaven. you better be there because i think you owe me a few dollars still from last time.

With love and a sincere big round of applause from the bottom of my heart for all the good/bad/fun/funny memories,

Pit Kun.

your memory lives on. we miss you.

Why you pull such a stunt? It wasn’t funny.. not at all.. Still, we know you didn’t want it to happen. but, we still miss you. very much.