I used to think that I’m everyone’s smiley girl. But i realised that I can never be that person again (which is pretty sad because I really think I was more cheerful in the past).

But on a happier and more serious note, I think I’ve grown more attached to the One who created me. I’m happy inside though a bit dark -still-. Maybe it’s because I feel emotions these days and even more than before thus I smile at times but not very much. Sorry if i am contradicting my words with my words.

This hives thing really is getting the better of me. It reminds me of how I was young and had something similar (but that wasn’t hives) and had to be sent to Mt E’s A&E department at 3am. Mind you, I was just a kid who couldn’t even reach her own back with her arms. I remember my mother calling her friends up and putting XO on me and when all else failed, she took the car and off we went to Mt E. I was pretty strong then actually, I didn’t cry at all. Just felt really sick. ONLY WHEN the nurse called for me ”AH BOY AH AH BOY! COME TAKE YOUR JAB! DON’T WORRY IT’S NOT GONNA BE PAINFUL ONE HOR.”

I started yelling and crying and doing all sorts of thing with mypjs. Until they had to pin me down (all because I got called ‘a boy’). Not that I minded that but I just think that I’m the kind of person that can do everything with you but when I’m ill, I demand things to go my way.

I miss having people at my disposal. But I love this independence. I love how I fight off temptations better now but I hate it when I still see friends struggling.

Decided to somehow flip to the passage of Job from the Bible and started reading when it was actually time for unichurch. What Job had and what he lost and what I had and what I lost, just can’t be compared. I didn’t read the whole passage but I just thought that the first few chapters were actually pretty encouraging.

Then I got reminded of how I was blaming God for not doing the right thing a few months ago. Now, I can’t praise Him enough because I know I am actually very well-taken cared of. But sometimes, I just can’t help but break down because I never wanted anyone to leave that way. I always thought that if I have to die tomorrow, I rather die in my sleep than to go through pain. So that’s why sometimes when flashbacks happen, and I see that face that was holding on to so much pain, I get reminded about a lot of different ways to feel pain.

To me, physical pain is nothing. It’s the heart-pain-pain that hurts the most. You can literally feel your heart break into two (like you know how those facebook relationships end and Mark Z decides to put a cracked heart into it?).

I miss you my dear friend. I still do. You never will leave our hearts.

I miss you too nana. If only you were still here to hold my small little hand.